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VOLATILE

I told someone I was a hard girl… He laughed.

He laughed because he had seen me cry over silly things. He had seen me annoy people unnecessarily and deliberately speak the honest-to-God truth just to hurt/annoy them… It was still the truth (at least from my perspective), but it was an unnecessary truth. Honesty is my number one life principle but the truth will forever hurt by its nature. In all fairness, the truth need not hurt. #AkuaPokuahWrites can handle the truth… once you patiently explain why you believe that to be the truth. So bring it on my people! Bring it on!!

#COVID19Ghana has been the best and worst 2 months of my life.

And no, this is not my usual drama. It has been outrageously productive for me… The Lockdown has given me enough time to pursue all my other interests. The interests I had to put on hold because of school and because of what “my parents would say”. Some of these interests are desires I did not even know existed in the deepest recesses of my soul. But at least I have learnt that now that they are there. They lie dormant… quietly waiting for the perfect person with the ability to charm me enough to make me walk on water with him and for him.

My worst? It has been my worst because I have been so volatile! I cry at the littlest of offences and I squeal at the most minute acts of kindness. Tell me how pretty I am and I’ll probably burst out in song for you. I keep saying this is not the real me… But maybe, just maybe, I have always been like this. It might all have been kept under wraps to please certain people or groups of people.

But no more because I GIVE UP.

I wrote a heartfelt piece for the Samira Bawumia Writing contest titled I give up. Every word was true. But I was later told that my script was not a winning script. I tried to alter it but my heart was no longer in it. One of my newest friends asked me today why I didn’t come to him for inspiration. Sugarbabe, I love you too tbh. But I need to solve my problems by myself sometimes… I need to build my website and gain so much traffic that I will need to hire experts to manage it for me. I might be rich from this. I might also gain nothing. But at least I would have accomplished what I set out to do.

I am tired of breaking promises too.

I told a friend I would help him with a report by 9pm today. I promised my 200 fans that I would write a piece relating to 10/05/2020’s Mothers’ Day Celebration. Time is up already. I have no inspiration again because idk… I really have no excuse. But I set out to be very productive and happy today. I did all the right things. I said only the good things. I spoke only when spoken to. I ate when told to eat. I even preached what I was told to preach. But here I am… When all is said and done… still unhappy. Unhappy not for myself, but unhappy for the world I live in.

I am unhappy tonight.

I will be happy again in a few hours though. But that is irrelevant. The important matter is that I am unhappy as I type. Feelings are not everything, but for COVID19, my feelings are everything! Take it or leave it. Life has always been full of choices. I might be ill. I might be normal. I might even be actually my best self… But it is all useless. All is vanity. What at all would I have gained if i gained the entire world but still lost my soul? Tell me. Will a thousand followers buy me food? Will these same followers who troll prominent people keep me warm at night? Will they even notice the fears behind my smile? And the pain underlying my acts of kindness?

My heart bleeds for you.

My heart bleeds for Ghana. And Africa. And the world. And everyone who is not living their best life during this pandemic. My life will never be the same after this… I have experienced and learnt too much that it would be utterly sinful to live as if I were my preCOVID19 self. Fellow Ghanaians, I just hope that we all learn our lessons and come out better versions of ourselves. I pray that from the ashes, we will rise! Like Fawkes the Phoenix, we will sing a eulogy so bittersweet that anyone who hears us will beat their chests and throw up their hands in despair… They will despair over the meaning of life itself. They will despair over science and religion and purpose and love and hate.

Have a goodnight my lovelies.

Just meditate before you sleep.

With bittersweet love,

Your Cheerleader.

Dedicated to all the unnecessarily kind people I know. Happy Mothers’ day to you! And to me. Because we are cherished and loved!!

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HOME

Home is where the heart is.

Home is where I feel safe, loved and important.

I easily feel at home and so act as if the world revolves around me. Always.

You always find me. You find me when I stray in search for greener pastures. Like the patient father you are, you hold me and tell me sweet lies when I fall so bad that it tears up my insides and destroys my soul. When all the lions bare their teeth at me and tug at pieces of my soul in an attempt to make me bleed. They tried to bury me by driving my head between my knees just to uproot my demon of rebellion. You unfortunately, still manage to find me! And your timing has never been better!

You are my home.

You knew me before you saw me. You heard me speak before you even spoke to me. You cared for me before i even had an inkling as to who you were. I had heard of you alright… Jesus this, Jesus that, Jesus saves. I knew all this but had never spent a second of my life considering how much my actions affected you. Never. But you still loved me. I will stray 3000 more times but you will find me 3001 times – that I can bet my entire life savings on.

You are my home.

I look at you and wonder. What at all did i see in you? In fact, what am I seeing? Nothing extraordinary. There is nothing beautiful or majestic about your appearance – nothing to attract me to you. Had I met you in a different state at a different time, I would never have noticed you. I might have despised you and not even learnt your name. You would have considered me rude and because I don’t give an effing damn about your feelings, I wouldn’t care. We cannot please everyone, can we?

You are my home.

I am self-opinionated. I am viciously manipulative and will fight tooth and nail to get what I want. I even begun World War 4 just to keep you safe from their prying eyes. I was an endeavour as useless as WW3; retaliating and tweeting vengefully about nuclear weapons never solved anyone’s problems. Across continents, countries and presidents – back and forths are simply a waste of time! Solve Ruth’s problem and all will be perfect again. You my beautiful mind, will simply not listen to me. You just keep annoying me until I need to strangle you to breathe well. You fight me on every matter and non-metaphorically cut my soul into pieces every second. I have no need for the likes of you and your species. I would rather remain a 50 year old spinster who lives alone with her white cat!

But you are my home.

You were my home 19days ago and you are my home today. You were my home before I was conceived and you will still be my home in 19more days. I would like you to be my home forever, but who at all am I? What have I done to deserve a being as magnificent as you? I will never in a million years deserve you. I would even not recommend myself to another me!

But you are my home.

I love staying at home. In my room, on my bed, with the fluffiest and most comfortable duvet cocooning me. You my love, will not even spend 40 more minutes of your precious sleep time with me because I talk too much. I will forever keep talking, and you will unsurprisingly keep listening. I care too much to allow you to waste your life. Afterall, it still is my greatest purpose to bring the entire world to Him.

So I will forge on and advance. I will take the blind leap and keep praying with all my heart that my glass remains half-full.

Because you are my home.

Be my home, now and forever!

With Love,

Your Sweet Advocate.

Dedicated to all the independent minds I know. To those who never say never.

Special Mentions:

  1. Munney kÉ› Naa.
  2. Nii Obuobisa, the second Nii in my life.
  3. My homes.

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ATTENTION!

At ease.

Attention.

At ease.

Attention.

At ease.

Attention.

At eeeeeeeaaaaaaaassssssssseeeeeee……

This chant ran through my head and rang in my ears. My soul cried out and my heart gently whispered it prayerfully… A prayer to the man I loved. A prayer to the one who promised to never lie to me… The man who could break me within 2 days of unintentional breakage. The man in whom I believed.

Trust not in man and lean not on your own understanding – they told me.

You can trust me, for I would never lie to you – He said.

Never trust men! All they want is your body.

I look at more. I look at the heart. He again said.

I call it non-verbal communication… You would be right to also call it divine. And spiritual. And God-sent. And a forever kind of relationship.

I disagree with the term “forever”. Nothing good lasts forever.

It has always been a matter of perspective. Are you willing to fight for what you want? Are you willing to dream big and forget about everyone else but HIm?

I say I AM!!

I am not THE I am. But by jove! I want to be like him. I want to have him near me all the time, whether at home or away.

I need to hear him whisper sweet nothings… I want to feel his breath on my bellybutton as he says, “My daughter! My daughter!”

And I would gladly respond:

Here I am, my Lord. Choose me. Use me. And send me. For I will forever & always be yours.

Jesus Saves.

Dedicated to all JesusLovers who desire more. Who want more. And who are destined for more…