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VOLATILE

I am a hard girl. I have always been. But COVID19 has shown me otherwise. My Journey of #SelfDiscovery

I told someone I was a hard girl… He laughed.

He laughed because he had seen me cry over silly things. He had seen me annoy people unnecessarily and deliberately speak the honest-to-God truth just to hurt/annoy them… It was still the truth (at least from my perspective), but it was an unnecessary truth. Honesty is my number one life principle but the truth will forever hurt by its nature. In all fairness, the truth need not hurt. #AkuaPokuahWrites can handle the truth… once you patiently explain why you believe that to be the truth. So bring it on my people! Bring it on!!

#COVID19Ghana has been the best and worst 2 months of my life.

And no, this is not my usual drama. It has been outrageously productive for me… The Lockdown has given me enough time to pursue all my other interests. The interests I had to put on hold because of school and because of what “my parents would say”. Some of these interests are desires I did not even know existed in the deepest recesses of my soul. But at least I have learnt that now that they are there. They lie dormant… quietly waiting for the perfect person with the ability to charm me enough to make me walk on water with him and for him.

My worst? It has been my worst because I have been so volatile! I cry at the littlest of offences and I squeal at the most minute acts of kindness. Tell me how pretty I am and I’ll probably burst out in song for you. I keep saying this is not the real me… But maybe, just maybe, I have always been like this. It might all have been kept under wraps to please certain people or groups of people.

But no more because I GIVE UP.

I wrote a heartfelt piece for the Samira Bawumia Writing contest titled I give up. Every word was true. But I was later told that my script was not a winning script. I tried to alter it but my heart was no longer in it. One of my newest friends asked me today why I didn’t come to him for inspiration. Sugarbabe, I love you too tbh. But I need to solve my problems by myself sometimes… I need to build my website and gain so much traffic that I will need to hire experts to manage it for me. I might be rich from this. I might also gain nothing. But at least I would have accomplished what I set out to do.

I am tired of breaking promises too.

I told a friend I would help him with a report by 9pm today. I promised my 200 fans that I would write a piece relating to 10/05/2020’s Mothers’ Day Celebration. Time is up already. I have no inspiration again because idk… I really have no excuse. But I set out to be very productive and happy today. I did all the right things. I said only the good things. I spoke only when spoken to. I ate when told to eat. I even preached what I was told to preach. But here I am… When all is said and done… still unhappy. Unhappy not for myself, but unhappy for the world I live in.

I am unhappy tonight.

I will be happy again in a few hours though. But that is irrelevant. The important matter is that I am unhappy as I type. Feelings are not everything, but for COVID19, my feelings are everything! Take it or leave it. Life has always been full of choices. I might be ill. I might be normal. I might even be actually my best self… But it is all useless. All is vanity. What at all would I have gained if i gained the entire world but still lost my soul? Tell me. Will a thousand followers buy me food? Will these same followers who troll prominent people keep me warm at night? Will they even notice the fears behind my smile? And the pain underlying my acts of kindness?

My heart bleeds for you.

My heart bleeds for Ghana. And Africa. And the world. And everyone who is not living their best life during this pandemic. My life will never be the same after this… I have experienced and learnt too much that it would be utterly sinful to live as if I were my preCOVID19 self. Fellow Ghanaians, I just hope that we all learn our lessons and come out better versions of ourselves. I pray that from the ashes, we will rise! Like Fawkes the Phoenix, we will sing a eulogy so bittersweet that anyone who hears us will beat their chests and throw up their hands in despair… They will despair over the meaning of life itself. They will despair over science and religion and purpose and love and hate.

Have a goodnight my lovelies.

Just meditate before you sleep.

With bittersweet love,

Your Cheerleader.

Dedicated to all the unnecessarily kind people I know. Happy Mothers’ day to you! And to me. Because we are cherished and loved!!

By AkuaPokuahWrites

A creative writer-to-be and a global citizen.

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