I felt numb. Like I was dying. All hope seemed lost. My entire world was shutting down. My whole heart was fragmenting into a million tiny pieces.
He said he would be here. He said he would sponsor me. He said he would…
He gave me countless assurances. That I should not worry. That God was in control. That he would always be here to support me. That he would forever hold me close… Hold me tight.
I believed him. With all my heart and soul. All the fibres of my inner being… I WAS NOT going to let this one go. I was going to do all I can to keep him. Resuscitation if need be… 1… 2… 3… Breathe. 1… 2… 3… BREATHE!!! But he was not breathing. I screamed, kicked, punched at walls. Yelled, wailed and cried. But he just did not wake up to re—
He just needed to assure me that it would all be okay. A re-assurance of my worth was not needed. I just needed, needed so bad to know that I had not failed. That I would not fail. That I simply CANNOT fail. Because of He who lives in me…
I was ready to go all out for it. Work hard. Pray hard. Live hard. Enjoy hard. Damn the consequences. And then
He left me with no one. Nobody to hold. No one to cheer for me. No one to pull me up. No one to tell me I could do this medical school business. I felt angry. Then I said no, it is not true. It just can’t be. I am a medical doctor. I am an amazing, even phenomenal woman of God. Why do I, just me. Why do I personally have to go through this???? Where was Jeremiah 33.3 when i needed support? Why did it have to be this way? WHY????? AM I still a sinner? Have I committed some greatly grandiose and murderous sin that the Lord needs to punish me for? To teach me a lesson?
It cannot be. It is not. Because God said, and keeps saying that it is well with my soul. So Father Lord, I believe!!!! Just help my unbelief. In Jesus Name!
Dedicated to Kofi, and Isaac. The Lord always, always comforts.
Also dedicated to my personal Barnabas, my personal Agabus and Paul. One unknown woman who keeps praying for me from far far away… WAYA ASKIN!! Always remember that someone somewhere is praying for you…